Wretch

A simple moment, a desire, a word that had gotten out, and then, later a string of accomplishments that together made a life half worthwhile. Somebody had forgotten how to tell me what it is that I was supposed to do once I had reached every single thing that I had put my mind into, there is drama, there is humor, and there is enough happiness for me to last long enough for a sweet respite with a cardiac arrest. May I forever rest in peace as I scorch the earth along my path for nobody else deserves the few things that I had got. Everyone needs to suffer twice as much for half of what I need, if someone is looking, if someone is laughing, I will stare back as they limp back behind me.

“You’re horrible, I cannot stand you,” you said and I understood what you meant. I drifted off into sleep even as you kept telling me why I had ruined your life, and everyone else’s in the entire world. I agree, of course, because if I am happy that means that nobody else, if I am pleased that means everyone else is homeless in the soul, if I drink until I forget everything, everyone remembers that I am the fault of their problems. I have no regrets about being terrible because I am just a symptom and, because of that, I am blameless and also completely free. The laws of the natural world rarely apply to me, the ones of the human world only whenever I feel like it.

“You can fight me if you want, all of you, but none of you can hurt me,” I say and sigh indefinitely. You all stare at me with bloody eyes, no fingers in hand, no madness has been left untouched. I burned everything single thing that you ever enjoyed to the ground, because of greed and admiration for myself, because I am unsuitable, and that gives me purpose. I breathe my horrors and relish in rubbing them off into others like me, the others that poison the minds and break the bones of those who oppose. “I dare you to fight against me, I dare you to defy me. You cannot. Because you are fighting not just me, but everything that makes me possible. I can kill and destroy everything I see fit and you will not stop me. You have been conditioned for that, I am thankful. No matter how empty I feel, I can always count on you to be emptier and worse than myself.”

You all cry and raise your fists to swing at me when I say that. Some of you hit me, but the threat is immediately subdued. I am a monster, little by little, I think I have become one and have realized how much I enjoy being one. Why wouldn’t I? I have nothing to gain but my own satisfaction, and that which always satisfies is always better than that which deceives me. I am so lucky I was born, but it is also thanks to my cunning, my intellect, my decisions, my fortune, my wisdom, my skills, my dexterity, my charm, that I am who I am today. And that is why I am beautiful beyond the mere physical connotations of the term, a word that must be appreciated, a body that must be loved and nourished by the skulls that lay on my feet.