I and the coolest kids on the block (Mariner Fella, DJ Lady, Masssive Solid & Crusty, and Lollipopz) had had enough of the fake and artificial, normy (for norms) society that we were forced to live in. It was so phony and lame that we just couldn’t take it anymore so we decided, in five (since two were considered illegitimate) separate voting elections in our treehouse, to finally decide what we were going to do to start to do something to finally fight back.
The options were as following: 1) Lead a worker’s revolution to create a Marxist-Leninist state, 2) Become them pirates and sail the open seas.
By a margin of 50–3, the pirate thing won, so we began to take care of it.
The first thing we needed was a boat, which we got by joining together all of our heads and minds to create the biggest paper boat any of us had ever done in non-Christmas times. The second thing we needed was to go to the water.
So we did and that was it.
When we arrived at the beach, Mariner Fella saluted me with her meaty hands, DJ Lady danced around the sand so that the fish could see and marvel at his hairy legs, MSC had written the Hymn of the Dispossesed, Forsaken, and Lost Souls of Consunmerism at was contrasting them with us who were of Course Very Free and Radical Youngsters with Nothing to Prove Except Our Own Authenticity, and Lollipopz was licking the sand.
So I was the captain and we sailed off.
The first few days were hard for we faced off against three mean tsunamis in which we all nearly drowned to death but by luck we only drowned to almost death, and we managed to stay alive to see the beautiful birth of a new sunrise. We were ready for the adventure of our lives.
With all of the hardest days behind us, the five of us sailed the world: first we went to an island with a very big albatross, then we went to an island that had a very very big tortoise, then we went back to the island to see the very big albatross again but only found a big turtle and realized this wasn’t the island and we were lost.
Since we were so lost in the middle of the world, which was very big, we sailed aimlessly for many, many weeks. What we did in order to maintain our sanity, eat, poo, pee, and peel (our skin), and what we did to each other and with each other, is so outrageous, otherworldly, strange, and macabre that the only way to tell it correctly would be through an online streaming service TV series that lasted 5 different, ever more disappointing seasons. But one day, on 9 August (in the Julian Calendar), something happened that changed everything except our personalities.
That day, Mariner Fella was taping the paper boat so that it wouldn’t sink, DJ Lady was playing catch with a couple of dolphins, MSC was writing a poem in without any phonaesthetics and meter about weed of the sea, and Lollipopz was licking the gooseneck. I was the captain.
Then, suddenly, the very big albatross appeared and we all jumped into place for we knew of the stories of the sea of this wretched creature. But before any of us could assess the situation, the albatross opened its gigantic mouth and swallowed us all together in one big gulp and what was more, it began to sing:
Now you be the mother and I’ll be your fool
I’ll hide myself deep inside
Your crimson pool
The muddy water runs beneath your folds
DJ Lady and MSC were crying because it was so deep, Lollipopz was crying because it was so sad, Mariner Fella was crying because the song notes were hitting us all in the face and the cleavage area of our groins was starting to get dirty and sweaty. I was the captain, though, I needed to do something.
“Cease and desist of your immoral songs and we will give you what you want! Which is our souls, our destinies, our fates after death, and the very concept of our existence!”
I probably overdid it because through all the drool and guts inside the albatross’s throat, my friends were looking at me as if I had just condemned them to an eternity of damnation.
“Whoopsie!” I said but my declamation proclamation (thought through my therapy) chelation worked and it spit us out and then it said “Goodbye, see you in one of the hells!” and we were free.
What is more, we weren’t lost anymore and we sailed across the seas to all of my and my friends’ favorite places in the world: Mongolia, Bolivia, Chad, Zambia, Palestine, and Belarus. There were a lot of palm trees in all of them, and many rocks, and there were always two people in the country ready to receive us: one waving us very excitedly with a big smile and one looking us through only one of their eyes in a very evil way. We always shuddered (some in fear and some in arousal) when that happened.
It was the albatross in human form.
And it was very scary and after seeing it so much, we went crazy (i.e., we went to Creizitahun, México) and then lost ourselves in the Bermuda Triangle, where we perished, after being rescued by a submarine after our paper boat capsized, where we slowly suffocated to death because there was a person in the submarine who was very angry at the captain because he had slept with his wife, even though he was not the wife’s boyfriend, so he decided to kill everyone in the crew and himself too. But we didn’t know this until the very end of the submarine story’s plot, so we couldn’t stop him.
And when we all died, the albatross gathered our souls and added I, Mariner Fella, DJ Lady, Masssive Solid & Crusty, and Lollipopz to its vocal chords and for the rest of eternity we were forced to listen to the albatross sing 1980’s and 1990’s alternative, underground music and sometimes Eric B. and Rakim, because that was the period when the albatross had its childhood and it had a lot of nostalgia for it.