Remain In

You are scared again of nothing. I used to be like you and just like you, they used to talk about me.

What sort of things did they say?

I used to say or I used to imagine them saying, “Whatever you think is best, she will do it for you. She will do it and no one else.”

But instead, they came to me with a grin and shrugged. “So, this is where the failure hides?”

I was, after all, afraid of failure like you and I let them define me.

Horrifying, I must be late.

You are. I am not here to help you. I wished to gloat but I don’t even have the strength for that. What do you think I should do?

Ask me don’t.

I will never ask you. That’s why I was asking myself. If you want what you want, you are not going to get it with me. Just give me a name. Money. Fame. Knowledge. Love, perhaps, if you feel generous.

No, no… wait, all of those, if possible.

Nothing is possible here. You are trapped.

Should I give up, then? Forget about it?

You have listened to nothing I said. I am glad I’m better than you. See, what you’ve made me done? You gave me something positive to say about myself. I say to myself right now, How things can get any worse? I imagine a thousand ways. But when I say to myself, How things can get any better? You were the last thing in my mind. It’s embarrassing. I not only have to feel slightly better but my counterpart is not even suitable. This is how low I’ve fallen and yet, I feel better in spite of all. Rationally, I know I shouldn’t but here we are.

Here we are, unfortunately.

What’s unfortunate is that I have to laugh at your disgrace and I can’t even do that. I was able to create just like you but I lost it all. Everything came crashing down. I was useless. I was just not very good. There’s no use in denying it. Some people no matter how much they tried, they just… they just don’t get any better.

An awful fate.

You talk about fate. You were, after all, designed and created specifically to bother me. I understand that. You won’t motivate me, however. I am already starved beyond your comprehension. Everything you say makes me feel glad I was tossed aside.

You could have…

Could have, should have, would have, maybe, perhaps, I understand. I heard those words the other day and, not surprisingly, they were coming from me, “You should have thought of that” and then, “You could have had something”, and then, “You would have done that.” Of course, I would. I knew myself, completely and completely, I did exactly what I was supposed to do. I tried to fight it. I tried to go against myself. I struggled and fought and created in spite of myself and here we are. I talk through a page. I die a little more each day. This does not help me but I do it anyway.

You thought…

I thought. You must need to know what I thought.

What you think…

I must be thinking of something. You think you can convince me. What a mess. The more I talk about it, the less sense it makes and the more I want to do it. I once created someone like you and he was cut in a dozen pieces. I believed in that but I don’t believe in myself. I never have. But I understand what it means to lose. I don’t think about fear… so tell them. Tell them you got what you wanted. The failure rises again and will fail again with all that entails.

Thanks… I don’t know what to say…

I never want to see you again. Do you understand? I won’t die a second time.