I Die Alone
The last breath, not as imagined, but as feared, and then, one after another, everyone who I had ever met and loved and cherished come inside and watch me. Some are smiling, some are crying, some twist their faces in a mix of grief and happiness, while others stroke my face, my arms, my little nose. It was an instant that I realized, that I was going to die there and then, and in place with so much light, and so much space, and so much warmth, I felt it, every gaze upon me, the center of attention at last.
A life like mine had been unremarkable, but it had also been immediately, unintentionally hilarious. It was the first life in which I had laughed so much at things that matter so little, it was the first life in which so little had changed around me despite my best efforts, and it was the first life in which I realized what it was what I wanted too late, with all the excitement of a rugged, weary, outdated head. I was feeling heavy every moment and every I wished I could see in the moment of my death, was seeing me like this, in the most supreme and disgusting moment of dying. I wished for this, nonetheless, even though I knew that it would be painful for them, and beautiful for me, I wanted to live in the last moments of me just focused completely on death, of who I was not going to be anymore.
All the eyes waited and waited, and I watched with the same expression of my last moments at everyone wo had ever crossed my paths. Each of them was better then the last, until the next one was worse than the last, and I laughed alone, because this was going to be, from this moment, the greatest, funniest moment of the rest of my seconds. Every face watched me suffer in peace, which what I was looking for, for I had spent a life living and watching and thinking, and when I finally could rest, I began to die even more exponentially. I knew it was wrong, that the way the lives that were all for me were all wrong, but they did not know.
They all looked at me and nodded peacefully, waiting, and I waited too, for all of them to blink at the same time. It felt strange to love them still, though there where I was headed, I would never need them, and I would never to feel this. I was closing my eyes at last, realizing many things that I was not going to say to them, and understanding that the chance I had, had been wasted so preciously. I wanted every single face memorized in me, of those important people more beautiful than me, wasting their beautiful time with me, with only me, who was dying at last.
And when I let out the final sigh, I felt it. I saw nobody and I heard nothing. I liked it more than I should.