Flicker

As our relationship ends, there are very few things to contemplate. One of them has to do with me, one has to do with you, and the last one has to do with a secret. Something that you are not allowed to know.

You want this to end? You never spoke about it before. We can work it out, I’m sure. If you are willing, or is it that…?

That I am no longer ready to continue? That I am tired and hacked to pieces from a situation that slowly eats from the outside and the inside? That I can’t no longer stand the sound of myself saying things that are partially true? I just learn to live with lies then, nod off into incomprehensibility, just accept damnation?

I understand. I understand everything you just said. You don’t find me attractive anymore. You think I am ugly and annoying.

Yes but not for the reasons you think. After all, in all this picture I’ve taken of you, you are probably the only bright spot. There is something in your face, a beauty unparalleled that is difficult to brush off. You know why it exists, of course? Because all this makeup and chemicals and all the costumes.

Such an easy person, you are. You think that I am superficial, that it is a reflection of my vanity. A simple creature with simple aims.

No, no, you misunderstand, just as I expected. It is indeed that honor that you bestow upon yourself, that you paint yourself, that I find myself most attracted to you. There is a singular moment of beauty that can only be obtained from that. Without it you are but a nakedness that can be easily traced to every woman, but the brushes of your delicate hands, you end up becoming something, you turn yourself into your own creative endeavor. Not a natural happenstance that can be repeated endlessly through breeding, but the slight touch of your heart and your mind.

And that’s not enough then?

It will never be enough because you and I cannot overcome our simplicities. You are lost and defeated and as your partner, I will be the same. Talking about what I want and what I wish for things to go differently will do me no good. It just gives me hope where there is none. You cannot change and I will always change what I want.

You are nothing but a cry for help. You want to be free of me so bad? Then do it and let me be. All this time has been wasted. Be happy then! You are free!

No, no, this is not freedom but a different kind of entrapment all together. But I weighed my options and realized that I would rather face them by myself, or someone better than you, than with you. You see? I am just asking the same things I ask of you with someone else. Someone who can fulfill them. And if I don’t find them, I will just spend my time wondering whether this should have happened at all.

I can’t believe it. So, even now, you are regretting that you have broken up with me? What is this about then? It is not my apparent beauty and my awful personality.

Why does this always have to be about you? I already told you. Remember?

The secret? And what is it?

I’ll tell you if you can answer me honestly. Do you think it matters at this point? When I have just revealed that you and I were just a little diversion, that our time together was a drop.

It does not.

The secret will stay with me. You will spend your life wondering why and I will spend mine wondering if it was worth it. Shall we meet up in sixty years and compare?

I will have more of a life, I’m sure.

And so am I. I can almost guarantee it.