The scent was a sweet lavender and when it hit the receptors of my mind, I laughed and laughed and he stared at me, his neck slightly tilted over. Whenever I went, he would follow me anyway, and if he was going to laugh right now, it would be because I was doing the same. Because that was the game. He did everything I did so that I noticed him and finally ran my fingers through the grave he dug.
“The seed was planted a long time ago,” I said but what else I was trying to say I did not know or care but there was a possibility that, after so much waiting, and wailing, and mating, I had finally desired something so strongly that nothing else would get in my way.
We walked along the way to the ocean where a new life was about to begin. Who had come all the way here to find out not what was missing, but what else was there to get? Who else had grown inside me like a strange error ready to sprout beyond myself? I had grown up to walk to the place where I was going to dream big.
“We are going to get there, I’m sure,” he said and laughed and then died. I knew it was going to happen before I even turned around and found that he had disappeared and in his place a carcass, bones shattered, lay instead. I laughed in a way I hadn’t done in a long time.
“God, you abandoned me again, you let me think I had a change but I am really going nowhere, and nothing is waiting for me at the end. There probably isn’t a thing like an ocean,” I said and just put my head in a piece of stone and waited for it to speak to me. My mind was mere scrambled pieces of unreadable thoughts, a long tunnel where my brain hit itself repeatedly against the wall, expelling strange odors and occurrences. “Give me the sign I’m looking for. The strength or the weakness that I need to put an end to this.”
The sign came to me when the train passed me by. A marvelous ray of sunshine that blinded me momentarily and gave me the elation of having been dug up, revived, and forced to walk along a land with no space to crawl, just surrender to the words of someone who didn’t love me. My companion was gone and so was the will to understand the situation I was in. Why wasn’t I understanding my purpose or my lack of purpose? Where was I going exactly and why was I going there anyway?
“I was never going to get anywhere, nobody was,” I said as I remembered that my companion hadn’t been the first had died but he was definitely the last. A life well spent immobilized by forces and questions beyond our understanding, how beautiful and quaint.