Abyss

Lights faded at last in the friendship abyss, and where she stood and I drowned, we both looked eat each other one last time. She had shaken her head and said sorry, and I only shrugged my shoulders with no remorse, just endless rage. But there was a moment where she smiled and seemed to understand what I wanted, but it was so sudden that it slipped through my fingers and I thought, what was guilt but an endless barrage of memories, all eating each other for space in a bleeding wound.

It will not close, I said as I fell down towards the nothingness and she looked on with sadness, but with the understanding that this was over, the gentle feeling of support and truth that we had shared. She had fallen into the high ground, while I swam towards the depths of a place I did not understand, and from then on, in the middle of a wracked brain hunger, I was to endure all struggles alone, without a friend, without a smile to pull through.

She looked on as I fell, slowly disintegrating myself into an oblivion of the mind, as it went on, as we danced together from more and more meters apart, I saw in the glint of her eyes the sweet notion of forgetfulness. All we had done together, all the laughs and reunions and talks until dawn were a mere reflection of a piece in the puzzle life, no active train of thought, but the quiet resignation of doom. I was not her friend anymore and though she could look at me with nostalgia and care, we would never see each other again the same way.

I was to fight then all the following battles on my own, which I did not how, and I had to figure out a way to find another friend, which I did not how, and I had to recover my body from the abyss, which I did know how, but it required something that I did not have. I looked up again and she was slowly going away, as her life and dreams were slowly fulfilling themselves with people better than me: warmer, more likeable, more interesting, more willing to give and support, and with a face that does not embarrass. I couldn’t help but feel insecure, and the abyss then, swallowed me for daring to feel insulted, and I swam in its cold waters, which are now freezing, which cut my bones.

In a swimming eternal, eventually, I filled my lungs up so much, that the nightmare ended with on the shore and I dragged my wet body across the beach, limping along, while nobody helped, because there was nobody there. I remembered one time we stayed all night speaking to each other about the things that seemed important back then, and I laughed in your face, and you laughed back, and I realized, as I tried my best to remember what is what that you said, that I was going to miss none of it, but you.

Why did you take me to this place, then? Why did I walk its long, endless beaches thinking you would appear? And why did I still ask you this, knowing you couldn’t hear me, you didn’t want to hear me, and you had lost me? I walked then, just to lose myself a little bit more, so we could both share the weight of the blame.